Why does this always happen?
Hold tight for my usual late-night roller coaster of angst, dashed dreams, and discord with the present.
Here it comes.
I get a thrill from telling you my secrets. So I'll tell you another one. I was engaged when I was 18. Some may call it more of an understanding than an engagement, but there were promises and a ring--an engagement in my book. I was giddy, but we didn't tell anybody. We were going to get married after his mission. And then I changed and thought it unfair to hold him to an eternal promise made to a different Danielle. Off came the ring.
Three weeks later I was dating someone else who pretended to love me, at moments so tenderly and raw that I didn't see the deception until he came clean.
And two weeks after his confession I was dating someone else, heart still stinging. I fell harder and deeper and faster in love than I had ever imagined possible. Three weeks later I moved to another continent without him. In the natural chaos that comes from such a drastic change, this love unraveled in a fit of insecurity and misunderstandings and frustration.
I was briefly in love with an older man who must have thought I was nothing more than infatuated. But I did love him. He won't ever know that. I won't ever know it for sure.
Now I have a love that is real, have for four months. It is paced. A slow mornings and fried bacon love. An afternoon coffee love. A long walks by the river love. Love existent together and apart, in our present and our future. It is not uncomfortable or suspicious or odd. I am finally in love the way normal people fall in love. Yes, I miss parts of my other pairings, but this is the first to feel solid. I love my man. That will be truer tomorrow. Truer next week. Truer in the coming months. I wouldn't go back to any of the others in place of him.
It feels so good.
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