Name the moment that continues to define who you are today.
For me it was last spring. April. My second semester at BYU was coming to a slow and painful end. I was not at all happy with myself. I was unraveling, every end of me. Backing myself into a corner like a wounded animal. I felt trapped by school. No one cared if I went to class. No one noticed. So I didn't go. I didn't need to wash myself or eat properly because no one was checking up on me. I didn't care any more. What was the real point? I was going to therapy and seeing my bishop (my third, dear goodness, since I was twelve years old), fighting against this struggle that constantly got the better of me. I was being assaulted at church Sunday after Sunday after Sunday with doctrines, delivered by teachers that seemed so fake. No one cared. Those who knew about my 'issue' also knew that I was strong-willed, and assumed I would overcome it if I just put my mind to it.
We were taught at church how to be good, chaste young women. We were told how we should never, ever under any circumstances date a young man with a pornography problem.
Because they are dirty.
Because boys who watch pornography are dangerous creatures.
Boys who watch pornography will never respect you. They probably masturbate (cue gasps and wondering what the hell masturbating is throughout the Relief Society). They will want your body. Their minds are contorted. The devil has a hold on them. They will drag you down that slippery slope and before you know it they will have you in their beds. They can't even control it. You will be helpless.
A good young woman who wants a good temple marriage needs to cut such men out of her life. Tell them you would be happy to talk to them when they've gotten over their 'issue', but until then they are not worth your time. Because you don't want to be near boys who act like that. <-----THIS WAS THE ADVICE WE WERE GIVEN. BY THE STAKE PRESIDENT. IN A SINGLES WARD RELIEF SOCIETY MEETING.
Do you know how that felt? Sitting there the whole time and thinking...what? I'm not worthy to even be TALKED TO? Because I like PORN? And this is ME. The WOMAN. Who is naturally supposed to be so PURE. I must be so far gone. I must be such an awful person. I obviously need constant supervision because I can't control myself. I was told to get rid of my laptop. I was told to come running to my bishop every time I had a single THOUGHT that was in the wrong place. Pray constantly, Danie. Fill your life with God. Fill your life with homework and washing dishes. Fill your life with preparing for a mission, for marriage, for children. Remember all that is broken and lost because you want Satan's way. A fiancee. Parent's trust. The sacrament. Time. Love. Worth. (Strangely enough, not my calling. Probably because I was good at it.)
This is why I was seeing a therapist. This is why I couldn't concentrate on school. This is why I stopped going to church, why I left early from meetings. I couldn't take it, anything. I was suffocating under this huge PROBLEM that defined me from sunrise to sunset.
Too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much
And then I met someone who didn't think I was a dirty whore for having the cravings that I have. And it was that moment, when he kissed me after knowing everything I was, that changed me into who I am today. He taught me how I was normal. And go ahead and judge if you like, but he helped me to understand myself and put at ease my cravings simply by validating them. Now there was a solution, and that solution was to leave the source of the excruciating pressure I was being put under. And so I rejected the Mormon faith.
And what a release that was.
It was not a coward's way out. I was turning my back on my entire belief system, having to build a new paradigm from the ground up. But now I am at peace with myself and the human way that I am. I don't feel...lesser.
This may come as a shock to a lot of you. But I'm okay with that. I didn't even mean to write about this. It just came out. I suppose it's time for people to know.
I do not believe pornography is wrong.
I do not believe masturbating is wrong.
I do not believe participating in sexual acts before marriage is wrong.
I do not believe being aroused is wrong.
I do not believe reading sexual literature is wrong.
I believe that every human is entitled to an all-encompassing understanding of their personal sexuality.
I do not believe anyone should be afraid of their bodies or their thoughts.
I do not believe anyone should be shunned or looked down upon for believing and/or living the above.
I believe these things because I live them and feel at peace with myself. More at peace than when I was a Mormon girl trying my hardest to obey all the rules and having to deal with constant failure and alienation. Now I am okay.
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