Of Mice, Men, and Best-Laid Schemes

I am very fortunate. I have a family that loves me dearly. I am so happy living with my Dad. I’m lucky enough to be achieving my life-long dream of moving back to England. I start a new job tomorrow and have another lined up for next week. I have a piano. I am healthy. I am clothed. For the most part I am happy.

But there’s always that one thing, that horrible blow that comes out of the blue. It’s just one problem or upset or issue that, if focused on, would cause you to label your entire existence a misery. I should have expected it, I suppose. Things are going so well. Everything is so perfect. So OF COURSE life felt it needed to throw in a little betrayal here, some brutal honesty there, douse it all in a bucketful of heartbreak. And it’s an agony I can’t fix. It’s not up to me. This portion of my happiness rests on the shoulders of another human being and I can’t force them to choose to keep me happy. They have to make their own damn decision.

In summation: it sucks. I’ve been crying out a friggin’ river for the past couple of days. I worry so much I start shaking and have to sit down. I attempt to explain myself, but can’t get the words right when all I want to say is that I WANT YOU TO STAY. I STILL LOVE YOU. WILL YOU PLEASE NOT GIVE UP SO EASILY. WOULD YOU KINDLY LOVE ME FOREVER AND NEVER LEAVE ME.

But all my wishing and wanting and wailing is silly. It’s not up to me. Though the issue will constantly loom over me every minute of every day until it resolved, I am willing to acknowledge that I have an awful lot of good experiences and opportunities in my life right now, and my life does not need to be utterly dominated by this problem. So tomorrow at work I will do my best to focus on the customers, properly operate a till, and keep my happy face on.

The situation does remind me of part of a poem.

The best laid schemes of mice and men

Go often awry,

And leave us nothing but grief and pain,

For promised joy!

                        --To A Mouse; Robert Burns—

The entire poem is fabulous. Go read it. It accurately illustrates that you can plan things for your future and be so sure of certain truths, but the future can change at any moment and nothing is definite. How true that is.

Avoiding Obscurity

I don't know what it is with me and hyperventilating these days, but I'm doing it again. It's Facebook's fault. I read all about your lives and miss you too much. I start feeling unnecessary. I feel forgotten.

The only thing I fear in life is being forgotten--especially by the people I love most. To be forgotten by the very beings that my every thought revolves around is a terrifying situation.

You are the ones I love. My thoughts are on you. Constantly. I am not asking for your every attention, just a deliberate thought now and again.

Your average Wednesday. Ish.

Today has been a strange day so far. I woke up after having a rather terrifying dream which caused me to seriously reconsider my life choices (not the greatest way to start a day). Then I discovered that I was the only one awake. I don't like being the only one awake. So I took a bath. I got ready for the day. By 12:30 I was still the only one awake. So I came here to the library. Scrolling through facebook I got to reflecting on all of the people I used to know and why they are so much better than me. And now I am finding it a little difficult to breathe because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Also I have a cold.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Bedford is an interesting town. You'd be really hard pressed to find a white person in a randomly picked group of twenty shoppers. I haven't had a conversation with someone my own age since I've been here (and, as follows, I have no friends...whoop). The teenagers I do find appear to be shallow idiots who, I'm fairly sure, are all entered in the "How Fake Can You Look" competition. I don't get along with these people very well. So I just do my own thing. I come to the library and take advantage of the free wi-fi. I walk around the market pretending I have money to spend. I think Bedford and I are okay with each other, even if we have both changed quite a bit.

I'm sending in an application to an airline for a flight attendant position. Wish me luck.

Aaaaaahhh. I hate being so unsure of things. I feel like I need to write something really profound. I'm all out of profound. It's been eaten by worry.

Oh, I can tell you that my piano got tuned yesterday, and it is beautiful! Granted, it is not a perfect sounding piano, mostly due to its age. It was made in 1901, so it's an antique. A couple of the notes sound very coppery and the pedal squeaks, but it works. Music actually sounds like music now. The guy who came and tuned it did tell me to be cautious when playing loudly so the wires don't slip...um, pardon? How exactly does one play pounding pieces cautiously? Let's just hope the poor piano can take it, because I will not be toning down Grieg or Debussy.

I am breathing a little easier now.

I love you all.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

So far the birthday celebrations have consisted of Dad and I getting into a birthday dance-off, which he most definitely won. Also singing in a ridiculous manner. Us Herberts are just a bunch of awesome all put together. I have no idea what else I'm doing today, but it will be epic.

Before I go to sleep for the night, I thought an excellent way to commemorate my birthday would be thanking everyone who has had an impact on my life. I won't get you all, but here are a few of you who've helped me to stay alive by the age of 19.

          Mom! Thanks for facilitating my birth. Also for not abandoning me when I did/do stupid things, or when I threw tantrums, or when I didn't appreciate everything you've done for me. Because without you I would not be here. I love you very much :). You are a wonderful mother, and I am proud to be your daughter.
          Hannah! I would be significantly less mentally stable if you were not my sister, Han. You've listened to me cry about little things and big things, you've given me advice, and basically just been my best friend for my entire life. Words cannot express how much I love you. So, thanks :)
          Brooke, Mallory, Jamie, Kyrie, Jake, and Sam...I have often wondered how I became lucky enough to get you all for my greatest friends. I have no clue. You are seriously the best people on this planet. You made high school bearable. You made my personal life bearable. You are the best.
          Caden...I made it through my first semester of college because of you and your love and kindness. If I just needed a hug at midnight, or ice-cream, or popcorn (it generally was food, wasn't it?), you were willing to help me out. As my first official boyfriend, you will always be close to my heart.
          Dean...you made my second semester of college bearable. We were truly insane, but it was admittedly truly fantastic. You introduced me to the Nerdfighters (whom I also love). I taught you how to make scrambled eggs. You taught me that I'm not always right even when I am SO SURE that I am. Somehow being with you always made me happy regardless of the fact that my life at that point in time was truly awful. So thank you :)
          Jamie and Jenna...because you two were always there for me at BYU. I love you guys :)
          Greyson...***NOTE TO READER: I might get really mushy here, but it's my freaking birthday, so I say whatever I like and you are not allowed to complain.*** I don't know if there is any sequence of words that I could string together to accurately describe us. We are amazing. We are crazy. We are flippin' magical. Being with you has liberated me, changed me in ways I never imagined. I've never fallen in love with anyone so quickly. But I think the pure fact that we are somehow managing to keep this relationship going in spite of the giant obstacle of an ocean in between us is a testament to our strength. I love you so, SO much, and if you don't mind, I think I'll keep doing that for a while longer.
          Mrs. Newby, Mrs. Petersen, Miss Rhodehouse, Mr. Seamons, Mama C, Mr. Andersen, Mr. Shelley, Mr. Hagert, Miss Boren, Mrs. Lederer, Mrs. Lynch, Professor Liz Christiansen, Mrs. Haburay, Mrs. Bode, Mrs. O'Brien, Mrs. Coop, and Brother Trent Boulter...nothing replaces an excellent teacher. Each one of you have changed my life--and not just by a little bit. I will remember you and the things you've taught me forever.
          Debbie Farrell and Sonya Hammock...the piano is so important to me, and it is because of your faith in me and patience with me that I've gotten as far as I have. It was hard work, but it is so worth it.

I most certainly have not covered everyone. There are church leaders who have helped me, extended family members, neighbours, teachers, friends, band kids, classmates, co-workers. You have all shaped who I am. So thank you, everybody, for making the past 19 years of my life a success. For the most part. I've still got some growing to do :)

In Summation: This is Contentment

I could spend a paragraph telling you about how sorry I am that I haven’t written a blog post sooner---but you already know that I’m really sorry. So this will do :)

I LOVE ENGLAND. My favorite part would have to be being with my Daddy. He and I are like best friends that don’t see each other for years, but pick up right where they left off every time they meet. He took me to a job agency to get my national insurance number, and we were making fun of each other as the lady who was helping us filled out some paperwork. She asked me to sign somewhere and then said, “You two are great friends, aren’t you? You don’t see that much these days.” And that’s exactly how it is, Dad and I. We take each other as we are, see humor in everything. He teaches me every day that nothing is impossible. Lifting heavy filing cabinets up attic stairways. Adamantly voicing an unpopular opinion to a strong opposition. Scavenging town in search of a cucumber for salad. We talk to each other about life. He tells me stupid things he’s done, why and if he stopped doing them. He’s interested in the life I’ve lived without him for so long, and I’m willing to talk to him—if only because I want him to know exactly who I’ve become over so many years.

Keeping up appearances is too tiring for a real relationship. As my favorite quote states, “Honesty is the first chapter in the book of Wisdom.” I trust Mr. Jefferson on this one. Lying is ridiculous. Personal peace is a result of accepting every facet of who you are and not being afraid of other people seeing you exposed like that. Understanding that you will live in the way you feel is correct regardless of judgment from the outside world. I can tell you for a fact that I have felt far more stability from living true to myself than from making myself sick trying to please other people and doing the things I ‘should’ be doing.

Moving on from that particular soapbox, I have an announcement to make. IT’S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!!! I’d say that most people know how much I love birthdays. Those same people also know that I usually don’t do an awful lot on my own birthday (which happens to be on June 10th. *cough*). But this year is different, my friends! Something has happened!

MAH DADDY GOTS ME A PIANO! My very own piano! Ebay is a beautiful place, my friends. So we went and got the piano a couple of days ago. It was so unbelievably dirty and dusty. We decided that we just needed to make my baby gleam. And that’s what I’ve been working on for the past two days—my beautiful piano. The inside of it was basically composed of cobwebs and decaying spiders and dust. The dust on the bottom was literally an inch thick. So we took a hoover to it, and we took a dustpan and brush to it, and we found a bottle brush and got in all the cracks and crevices until not a speck of dirt remained. Then we washed the outside with three different cleaners. Today I found a wood correction pen and filled in all of the scratches, and then we started waxing it. I’ll have it finished tomorrow. Waxing a piano takes a hell of a long time. But it is so radiant. The only problem is how to get it up the rather skinny, steep stairs of ours. I have no clue. It will happen, though.

I have been keeping busy in recent weeks by reading. In the past two and a half weeks I’ve read Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Burns, The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith, Every Touch Leaves a Trace by…somebody, The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hossini, The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, and The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. I’m about to start The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. I haven’t read this much since I was in 10th grade. It is wonderful.

Miraculously, England has decided to finally settle into summer weather. I was working on the piano out in the garden and purposely wore a skirt so my white legs could get some sun on them. I think I only successfully managed to burn my shoulders, but let’s hope something came of it. I am so white that people stare. It’s slightly embarrassing to be stared at for my whiteness, particularly in Europe. I’ve been told that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I’m fairly positive I’m not getting stares of admiration on the high street.

Enough about my skin. I have not had any luck in the job department yet, but my CV is basically finished, so I can send that in to a few places and see what happens. It will be when it is meant to be. For now all I can do it try.

I’ve been pondering recently about love. You don’t really get taught about love, do you? No one explains it properly. They get poetic. Really all I want to know is how to tell if you’ve fallen in it, and what’s a good indication that staying in it is a wise decision. I’ve been in love before, but it felt different each time. Is there one kind of love? If not, is one kind true than another? Is your ‘true love’ the person that you feel a particular shade of love for? It’s so damn confusing. I’m rather happy where I am with it right now, but answers are always nice.

My dear sister Hannah graduated from high school on Friday. That was crazy sauce. She is a fantastic person. She will be a fantastic college student. She will be a fantastic artist. She will be a fantastic roommate to whoever is lucky enough to be there with her. She is the most wonderful sister in the entire world, out of anyone that has ever been a sister to a sibling. And I’m sure most of you would agree with that. I can sing her praises because I genuinely think this about her. There’s no pretending over here. I love you, banana :)

This entry is verging on two pages in a word document, so it’s past time to wrap up my thoughts. They are long and scattered. I think they’re interesting. In saying that, they are my thoughts. I might be a little partial to them.

Goodnight, world…

P.S. I would absolutely love to post pictures here, but my camera’s battery is drained and my charger is an American charger and I don’t have a converter. If anyone happens to have a spare American-to-British electric converter that I could have, I would love you forever. Then I’ll post pictures.

P.P.S. I rode on the back of my Dad's motorbike today. Words cannot describe how much I enjoyed it. If any of you were curious, his bike is a lime green Kawakai Ninja (at least I'm fairly sure it's Kawakai. It's Kawa-something). And I look fabulous in my leathers. Just for the record.