I think the two worst emotions are lonely and confused. Especially when paired. I've had a few friends really try to bring me out of my state of loneliness and confusion recently. I'm not out of it yet. There are so many changes that I'm trying to sus out. It's strange, when I do something out of character I get very nervous. I have to evaluate myself again, figure out who I really am. I don't like to deal with myself. And this leads me to feel lonely and confused.
There is nothing scarier than change. Nothing. Unfortunately, there is a lot of change coming at me. Soon this semester will be over. I'll have my old job at Thanksgiving Point back. I'll be living at home, trying to create a niche in my family once more. I'm very worried about that. They've gotten used to me not being around, and I have changed so much since I lived at home. I wonder if I'm too different now, too different to fit in with them like I used to. I know I will try to change myself back. I don't want to stick out like a sore, unwanted thumb in my own family. It is a fact that there is no place I would rather be than home with my sisters and my parents.
I realized yesterday how much I need my mum. If I could be like anyone in all of time and space it would be her. She has an unbelievable amount of strength. She has so much faith. What she lacks in patience she makes up in love. I am in awe of her ability to govern her life. That might sound strange. But she can fulfill her calling, clean the house, give love and advice to her children, manage finances, monitor grades, coordinate transportation, attend various meetings, and manage to cook dinner. All in the same day. I don't tell her everything that goes on in my life, but when I need help I go to her. If I don't go to her, I do what I think she would do. It's like I've got my own "mum's advice" tape that plays in my head when I have to make a decision. I love her. I love her so much. I don't think she realizes how much I need her in my life. How much I rely on her. Look, I'm crying. That means I'm being sincere :)
Back to change. I was offered a place at my Dad's flat until the end of the year. The offer was so tempting. I know I'll move back to England one day. I know it. I just don't know when. I don't think this year is it. I'm having a lot of trouble with myself, figuring out how I want to live the rest of my life, what I believe in, what I really want. England would be too much right now. I wouldn't be strong over there. Happy, maybe. It would, perhaps, be easier. But I wouldn't be stronger. And I need strength right now more than anything. God usually chooses my trials for me, but I'm choosing this one. Let's hope it's the right decision. I miss my dad a lot.
Things that are going well right now? I made dinner yesterday. Sausages, mashed potatoes, and boiled cabbage. My favorite dinner in the world. That made me very, very happy :). Caden paid me a visit on Easter so I wouldn't be celebrating alone for the entire day, and that was just plain amazing. It's nice to be thought about like that. I went to a dance on Friday and enjoyed the entire thing (I plan on doing that again...Joe's, anyone?). Also, played pool and almost dominated. After the dance we got home and decided we wanted to watch a movie, so our wonderful hall-mates came over and we watched The Proposal. Chatted all night with a friend I haven't talked to in a while. 'Twas enlightening and a little....rebellious. Ha ha. The rain today was lovely. I've created a couple of new playlists on Spotify, and I am thoroughly loving "Ashamed? Never!"--songs from high school. Good times :).
I think I'll be off now. Pray for Mallory in the Philippines. Goodnight all!
A little rebellious? ;D
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