This One's For Carmody

You died today, Carmody. You really did. Up and left us when I was so convinced you were going to get better. I feel like it was partially my fault. The bishopric asked us to fast for you, but I didn't. I forgot and I ate and I didn't try again. They asked us to go to the temple for you, but I can't go to the temple, Carmody. Not yet, not until I sort out all of my problems. The day before you went to the hospital I saw you crouched in the sunlight outside of our building. I asked you what was wrong. You said nothing, but you looked sad, so I double checked. Again you said you were fine. And that was the last conversation we had. I shouldn't have worried so much about catching the shuttle. I should have given you that hug I was debating whether or not to give you. If anyone deserved a hug it was you. I didn't even know you that well. We weren't best friends. But we were friends.

I was so naive. I was so, so sure that God would never take you back. But I know why he'd want his Carmody back. Your sweetness filled every crevice, every crack in a sad heart. Your kindness made us all feel safe and welcome. Your laughter was the medicine for every sickness. Perhaps the angels were getting lonely without you.

Do you want to know my favorite memory of you? It was that night that Jamie and I got locked into our apartment. Our door was always really stupid, but this time it just wouldn't open. You happened to be outside, so we called you over through the window and you climbed right in and had a go at it. It wouldn't budge, but we laughed and laughed and laughed like being stuck in an apartment was the funniest thing that ever happened to anyone. And then Mike came and tried it, and it still wouldn't move. Eventually we called the police, and they called the little Asian locksmith, who was sleeping at the time. You were there with us as we waited for her to show up with her toolkit and change out the doorknobs. You were there with us when we found that the door opened if we shifted it a certain way. You were there as we told and retold the story to each other, knowing full well that we'd already recounted it three times--but we were in hysterics. It was wonderful. A broken old door blessed us with a memory and a few laughs.

And now I'm sitting here in that same apartment, the door to my left and the window right in front of me. And where are you, Carmody? You're up there with all of those lonely angels, making them laugh. Mending their hearts. And you're down here somewhere, too, with all of these lonely angels. Mending our hearts, whispering to us that you're just a memory away. Be safe up there. Don't ever cry, because the other angels need your happiness. I know that you know how much we all love you, Carmody, and I'm sorry I didn't show how much I loved you while you were alive. But thank you for the cleaning checks and the building meetings and the laughter and the memories and the service and the love. You are wonderful :)