Fairy Tales

In the past month, probably longer, I've put myself at risk by digging up emotions and memories I thought I had buried in order to feel them all over again. I've taken to hoping madly that I can live in my past again, forgetting that so much has changed and no one can ever return from where they grew. To couple this, I have also been desperately trying to learn how to let go of the good times to make room for better times. I get so worried that what I had before I will never again see the likeness of, and that scares me so much. If I can't deal with remembering, a step back from emotion, what if I don't ever find that life or that love or that friendship or that laughter or that adventure again? What if, when I let it all go and tell myself it's okay to embrace anew, life comes up short? There is no guarantee that life will get better, that tomorrow will bring me more happiness than yesterday. My mind is closed, I've convinced myself that all I have is yesterday.

This might have come because of the giant upheaval of life that will be this summer. I'm feeling a bit too overwhelmed, and my strategy for dealing with all of it is to forget that it is happening and live as usual. I have come to the point where that is no longer possible. My little world is changing as we speak, and I am terrified.

I don't plan. I don't prepare. Because that will be recognizing there is something to plan and prepare for. Lots of somethings.

And I don't know if I can do that.

I don't know if I'll be ready to leave people and memories and how things used to be and the people you used to be. If I'll be ready to deal with the people I have now and how the old has changed and how I have changed, and will change, forever and ever and ever and ever.

I hate missing what is out of my reach. Longing and wishing and planning for a fairy tale. There is a life to deal with, mine, and it isn't holding back because I don't want it.

I guess I just have to learn to deal with it.