Oh Billie, Billie. Sing it Lady Day. You know how I love to hear you warble about your man. "And if I never fall in love again, that's soon enough for me." How alike we are. I wonder what I would be pining over if I had never met any of my fifteen. A steep number. And I'm not finished yet. Not with men. Not with women. Not with the others in between. "And I find the very mention of you like the kick in a Julep or two."
I will be astounded if what I have had is all I am capable of. Give me something crazy. Give me someone who understands me. Find me my other half, who will say YES to every mad idea I have. Someone who will discuss Margaret Atwood with me. For me to be enamored so that no other will turn my head. I want midnight drives to the beach. I want last minute flights to France. I want picnics. I want an appreciation of Prokofiev and Debussy. Dancing in public. Food fights.
Whyyyyyyyyyy do I so desperately want commitment with someone when I know I can't deliver that. I need some friends. I need a hobby. I need a direction. I need motivation. Where the hell did it all go? How did I get here? When will it end? When will I finally meld all the pieces of me together and discover who DANIELLE KELLY HERBERT really is?
I HATE ASKING QUESTIONS. I WANT TO BE DOING. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO. SOMETHING I LOVE. SOMEONE I LOVE. I'M TIRED OF NOT KNOWING HOW TO FEEL CORRECTLY.
I'm tired of tricking myself in my dreams. It feels real every time.
"Your goodbye left me with eyes that cried. How can I go on, dear, without you? You took the best, so why not take the rest?"
"Love will make you drink and gamble, make you stay out all night long. Love will make you do things that you knooooow is wrong."
Oh, sweetie, dearest you're making me cry. Let's curl up, let's be lovers. Let's spill secrets and pretend we have control of it all. Let's never make promises to each other because we both know what a cheater I am. Let's take it slow. Let's take it fast. Let's get high off our head on what idiots we are. Let's take over the little universe we create, and not care about the outside. "The very thought of you and I forget to do those little ordinary things that everyone *ought* to do."
"Just can't get my poor self together; I'm weary all the time."
"The same old story, but it's new to me."
Marry me, Lady Day. I'd love you forever.
