WANTED: More Life

So I'm pretty tired of the way my life is going lately.

Clarification: I am pretty tired of my lack of motivation to get myself out of this rut of going to work and coming home and eating everything and then watching netflix until I make dinner then eating and going back to my room and watching netflix until I fall asleep.

I also had a money scare the other day, and realized how desperately I need another job.

WANTED: PART-TIME POSITION

Afternoons only, at least minimum wage. Must be an engaging work environment. Co-workers and managers must not be idiots. No customer service or interactions with the public. Opportunities to be creative and grow intellectually. Having a laugh, strengthening relationships, and making the most of life must be priorities. Bonuses: cake, travel, music, dancing, jokes, nap time, books.

So basically what I'm looking for are people, not positions.

If anyone knows of a job that fits above description, please PLEASE let me know.

THINGS THAT I LIKE ABOUT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW:

• Zach
• Guitar
• Skyping Hannah
• Spending time with papa

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO WITH MY LIFE THAT I AM NOT CURRENTLY DOING:

• Exercise (I have eaten so much lately it's no longer a joke)
• Laundry
• Write something important
• Get driving license
• Become a stable, independent young woman who knows what she's doing

I went with dad to an antiques shop in Olney the other day and it was so much fun. I love antiques. I bought a ring, totally fake, but it looks pretty. And Zach and I had the most fantastic day when I got my guitar on Tuesday. All of the bedford crazies were out. We had paella for dinner. Took Scrappy for a walk. Listened to him play ridiculously well as I sat in the kitchen eating biscuits. Happy Danie :)

Anyway. Sorry, this hasn't been terribly helpful or exciting. There are a lot of things I am attempting to sort out at the minute. Another thing is this move to Norfolk. I can't get it around my head that I'm moving again. I would like to live on my own and pay for myself. It frustrates me so much that I STILL can't take care of myself. That I have people to rely on. That I have to move wherever dad and Debbie go because I don't have a single other option. 

Sorry guys. Ugh. I'm kind of depressed now. Time to watch an episode of Dexter.

Shop Etiquette: Why Your Cashier Wants You Dead

After working in a shop for so many months, I have a long list of things I hate that customers do that I didn't think about before. I am going to share with you so next time you go to the shop the cashier doesn't throw you a dirty look. Or attack you with a mars bar.

Don't give us crumpled notes: You have time to un-crumple them. Seriously. This is so annoying.
Don't expect us to read your mind: If you want ten Sterling superkings menthol, ask for ten Sterling superkings menthol. I don't know what you mean when you say 'ten fags', 'superkings', 'ten of those', 'ten menthol', or just look at me and point vaguely at the entire cigarette counter. Grr.
Don't pay with more than 10-13 coins: I understand you want to get rid of your change, but it takes way too long to count. Especially when I can see you have a 5 pound note in your purse.
Don't shove things onto the counter: RUDE. SO RUDE. If you do it accidentally, apologise and I'll be understanding. Otherwise, expect your change to be thrown right back at you.
Don't put an item on the counter and then leave: Get what you want before you come to me. I will not make the other people in line wait while you just run back to get a drink, crisps, a magazine, a newspaper, and a lottery slip after putting a pack of gum in front of me. No. Just no.
Don't expect me to come to you: You see I'm standing at my till. MY till. Not the one on the other side of the counter. I am going to stubbornly stay there. I will talk to you there. I will run your transaction there. But I will not come to the other till because you cannot be bothered to walk the extra six feet.
Don't buy a scratchcard if you don't know how to do it: It's okay if you ask me how. That's cool. I can explain. But when you bring me seven cards with only the verification number scratched off, and I check and you didn't win on a single one, that is just a waste of my time. Waste. Of. Time. You basically just paid for it and then made me do it for you. I cannot stand that.
Don't be offended if we I.D. you: Look, it's my job. If I don't I get put in jail. I am sorry if you are significantly older than the required I.D. age, but I seriously can't tell people's ages just by looking at them. Better safe than sorry.
Don't get angry with me if we've run out of what you want: I'M SORRY I RUINED YOUR LIFE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE COUGH DROPS. Please take your tantrum outside with the five year olds.
Don't shout at your kids in the shop (at the very least): Yeah, I can see your kids are being unruly. But it makes my heart cry when you verbally abuse them 'cause they just want sweets. And you wonder why they misbehave.
Don't try to hold a transaction over the shoulder of the person in front: This happens so many times it is ridiculous. The old lady I just served is putting her change away, she's collecting her bags and her walking stick, and you can damn well wait for her to leave my counter before you shove your newspaper money in my face and rush out. No. You will be old one day too. Give her time.
Don't make me get stuff for you: I am not your personal shopper. I have to stay behind my till. I can't come out front and read all the greeting cards for you because you forgot your glasses. I can't get your newspaper. I can't get your wine. Do it yourself, please.
Don't flirt creepily: This is mostly for all those old men out there. A smile is sweet, perhaps a small joke. But don't be rapey about it. Eew.
Don't touch anything behind the counter: The counter is a boundary. I give you the printed lottery tickets, you don't reach around and take them. The alcohol behind the counter is for me to get for you. It is my space, and if you enter my space I will punch you in the stomach.
Don't mumble incoherently: I'm not a psychic, remember?
Don't make conversation about boring or possibly awkward topics: You do not know how many times I have to talk about the weather in a day. Also, I probably won't agree with your political opinions or be able to give much support with regards to your recent hospital visit. Sorry :\
Don't talk on the phone and come to the counter: This. THIS. Yeah, I'm an attention whore. I will not be your second priority. You don't whisper to me and then shout at your phone. Srsly.
Don't leave rubbish on the counter: I have a bin. Ask me politely to put it in there for you.
Don't get mad at me if you messed up your lottery ticket: No, I don't have the time to fill out an entirely new one for you. Why yes, you'll need to go to the back and do it again. Stop freaking out. Stahp.
Don't treat me like a lesser human being: I can tell when you're being pretentious. I really hate that.
If all else fails, just be nice: Nice people get forgiven for breaking rules. Just be nice.

That pretty much sums it up. I didn't realize how long that list was...

Mind Games

Little heart,
stop your racing

The organic electrics that keep you awake
are not yours to feel
Back to the younger darkness
Back to an ebb in the flow
Back to a place of little expectation
Where anticipation quelled the mutinous thoughts as they were so labeled
Preventing  a possible nothing or, at worst,
guarding an emotional genocide

Inhale all rote, exhale all mediocre
And let true lovers languish
in themselves

Tears

I cry when I think of how much the men I love are loved by their mothers (if I loved you once I will love you forever).

I cry when I see a kindness being offered that I did not have the courage to offer.

I cry when my sister cries, when she is made to feel less than the glorious woman she truly is.

I cry when I think of the faith of my mother, raising two little girls in little houses all by herself. She is strong.

I cry when the character in my book gives up what he or she loves to fit into the world or normalize.

I cry when real people do the same.

I cry when I loose the line between true love and a lie. When I think I am asking too much, but still wanting it all, unsure of how demanding I can be when it comes to degrees of affection. I give all.

I cry when I realize I have underestimated myself, when I gave too little, when I come up short.

I cry when I remember being elated with a person I no longer speak to.

I cry when I attempt to fathom eternity, the vast loneliness of it.

I cry when I disappoint my father through neglect of gratitude or neglect of duty.

I cry when I simultaneously want opposites.

I cry when life appears pointless, when I want nothing more than to drown out of existence.

I cry when I can no longer play the songs I used to play.

I cry over misunderstandings.

I cry reading my own poetry. Usually poems about the men I love (if I loved you once I will write about you forever).

I cry when I remember how awful university was.

I cry when I hear this song.