Bellini

Tonight there was no solace in my cigarette. One puff and I was done. I expect it would be much the same with you.

You bite like a peach. No sweetness. All honesty.

You will never be what I expect.

Always a toss of the dice.

Fate still to decide.

Perhaps there is a crossing in our stars. Or maybe it will always boil down to our drinking habits.

Perhaps you are not for me, peach.

Then again,
Perhaps you are.

And life moves on...

I am so supremely grateful to have this space to spew things that I can't on Facebook. Such a release.

First up, it's really funny getting emails from theknot.com saying that I need to start thinking about booking hotels for my wedding guests.....and remembering that once upon a time I was getting married next year. And life moves on.

As a little self-love-and-acceptance project I have decided to stop shaving my legs and underarms (YAY DEFYING SOCIAL NORMS!!) So I think now I haven't shaved in about three weeks.....lemme tell ya. It. Is. Awesome. I genuinely love being hairy. Don't be concerned, I still clean myself regularly. But yeah. I am enjoying this experiment.

I cooked a strudel last night. And by that I mean it was frozen from lidl and I shoved it in the oven for a half hour. It was mucho delicioso.

I am not looking forward to working the weekend.

I so need a new job.

Bleh.

Money.

But, as dear Ms. Billie Holiday sings, that's life I guess.

Back to wasp hunting in my bedroom. The count is up to five. Eww.

Hard Candy

You know, right now I am having a lot of trouble keeping my shit together, pardon my French.

Jamie and I broke up on Thursday. I don't know how to deal with hurting someone like that, especially someone I love. Even thinking about trying to explain it is making me so frustrated I'm not even going to try. But I feel selfish and cruel and generally incapable of, well, holding my shit together.

On Friday I found out my grandmother has a brain tumor. She is having an operation and will be hospitalized. She currently has an on-call nurse assigned to her. We don't know the outlook, but dad's told me to keep my phone on me just in case. Again, I have no idea how to deal with this.

It's like being back in college when I had no idea what was going on or who I was or what I wanted or how I was going to live. I am being flung into myself and I don't like what I see but I don't know what to do about it.

Yeah. I'm feeling lonely and vulnerable and lethargic.

Hoping good ole Dolly will lighten the mood...

This song always reminds me of my momma. It's one of my favourites.

Night night everyone xx

Short Update

Feel free to slap me for neglecting my blog...I deserve it. Most definitely.

Moving right along...

As a side note, I am writing this post on my phone because, unfortunately, my laptop has broken. Poor thing. That is also why I am unable to skype anyone. Sad face.

In recent news:
--Yesterday I got my tragus pierced (that's on my ear, for anyone wondering). I've had a slight drama with it. When I cleaned it before bed the little ball on the outside fell off and it took quite a bit of fiddling a a little bit of pain to get it back on again! But I successfully showered with it in this morning, so I'm improving!

--I am unimpressed with the way the restaurant is handling my holiday pay situation, the tax avoidance situation, and I can't stand the owner in general, so I do believe it is time to find myself another job. It's difficult to find one that will fit around the shop hours, though. There's always the Standard, but I worry that I wouldn't really get along with the people that work there...Jamie excluded, of course (:

--I went to Milton Keynes on Saturday for an adventure day with Jamie. There was a wedding fair happening so I went a little mad looking at dresses and cake testing...ah so fun. We ended up walking the entire shopping centre five times over because we didn't know where we were going, but we did make our mandatory stop at HMV. As usual, I spent far too much money on CD's. And I have no regrets :D

--I've realised how much I hate my customer service voice, so I'm working on speaking in a lower tone. It makes me feel powerful. Mwahahaha.

--I really want to take piano lessons again...but I have no time nor money. Which sucks.

Right. That's all the news I can think of.

Le me = boring

Hello, large internet world full of strangers.

I actually do wonder if strangers read this blog. Probably not much anymore seeing as I hardly ever write.

Here, have a life update.

I went to Spain last week with my dad and nanny and it was *fantastic*. I've always wanted to go to Spain. Lying on the beach, reading and eating...glorious.

Also, yesterday was mine and Jamie's two month anniversay! We had a lazy morning and then dinner together. I taught him how to play chess and we watched a lot of tv (:

Yay love.

Good stuff.

Oh dear god I am so boring.

Sorry.

Residue

My favourite thing about smoking my third cigarette:

The whispy cloud expelled from my lungs after the particles have dug their way through every sliver of my bronchioles. Recycling in its blackest form.

My least favourite thing about smoking my third cigarette:

The bastard midgets that collect at the back of my throat with every inhale, making me swallow hard to keep from coughing. 

All in all, something to be savoured only on nights of particular frustration at work.

Kids

Addressing an upset I sought out earlier which brought me pain that I don't really want to discuss but need to at least say this: an entire year after, and his happiness still causes me enough pain that my only consolation is imagining the many ways he could die tomorrow.

Moving on.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the purpose of having children.

Why the hell do we have children?!

Like, okay. You want to try your hand at parenting. But now you've brought another human into the world that will experience horrific pain and sadness. To have kids for your own happiness is nothing less than extremely selfish. Children don't exist for you. As soon as they can think on their own they will be their own person, with their own goals and wants and needs, and if you had it to take care of you when you're old or to carry on the family name or so you could finally have a scientist in the family.....well...none of that is your choice any more. They are autonomous. 

So I've concluded that the only way I could justify having children is if it happened by accident. And then I would do my best to bring them up as an apology for ever having to be here in the first place. 

Dear god. There has to be another reason? I have been dwelling on this for a few days. I can't think of one.